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It's About To Get Real

4.28.2014
Every girl can dream, right?


 I don't think I'm ready to post about this, yet here I am. 

This conversation is something that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and that makes me nauseous.

Fact: I want to be a mom.
Fact: I've wanted to be a mom my whole life.
Fact: I like to be in control.
Fact: I can't control this one aspect of my life.
Fact: Since April of 2013 hubs and I stopped preventing.
Fact: A full year has gone by with no sign of Baby Mills.

I can't explain what it feels like. To go a year without conceiving when I see teenage girls left and right becoming pregnant like it's in the water they are drinking. Even though we haven't been "trying" we just haven't been preventing, I still feel very defensive when this conversation arises.

I struggle with two emotions.

Disappointment:
Why? Because I want immediate gratification like any other human being. I want things when I want them. I fight against my desire to control all aspects of my life. I worry that a year with no baby means something is wrong with me. Or Jon. I struggle with feeling disappointment in God that He knows we aren't ready for that phase of life yet. I wince when a friend or family member asks when they can be expecting a little one from us since we've been married two years in June. I studder when I admit, "All in His timing..." because I'm saying it, but the words aren't registering with my own brain.

But I also feel...

Hope: Because I know who is in control of my future. I know that He has the perfect timing and I praise Him for it! The fact that we haven't been "trying" gives me a sense of hope rather than feeling like something is wrong with either one of us. Knowing that when the day comes it will be completely up to The Lord and I can find rest in knowing it's His plan not my own. Joy in knowing as each month passes I have another month to be husband and wife. Hope that God knows we aren't ready yet, even though I could list every reason why I am.

For some reason I tend to become ashamed about how I feel. When anyone asks about us trying to conceive I tend to brush it off and joke pretending like it's a relief that we haven't had any kids yet and I'm not worried about it. But inside I'm dying. Every night I lay my head on my pillow and dream about seeing a positive symbol on a test or how we will tell our families the big news. Or watching my belly grow and seeing Jon prepare for the baby. It's a fantasy land for me, but also a huge insecurity that I hate to admit.

I guess the cats out of the bag now...

46 comments on "It's About To Get Real"
  1. Saying a prayer for you tonight. I've watched so many friends struggle with this lately. Its something that breaks my heart for each of you. Know someone else is saying a prayer for you :)

    taylor

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  2. I can relate to this. It took my hubby and I a year and a half to conceive our daughter. The month after I went to the doctor to get checked out to see if I could conceive I became pregnant. And there was nothing wrong with me, the doctor said sometimes it just takes a while. But it made me so angry that every time during that year and a half when people would be like: "When are you going to have some kids?" Hello, we've been trying a-hole!! It just doesn't happen so easily for everyone. And I remember the heartbreak every time I saw a negative pregnancy test. Think positive it will happen!!
    P.S. We were very stressed through the whole process and decided to take the summer "off" from trying and just party and sure enough it was then that we got prego. I think key is to stop trying.

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  3. Oh Maeg.. I can relate to what you're saying except in regards to finding the right guy. I feel like something is WRONG with me because I'm just waiting and doing "all the right things" but where IS HE?! It was so brave of you to post this. We just have to trust in His timing. Love you girl <3

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  4. I'm sorry for your frustration :( getting pregnant isn't an easy thing. In fact I was off of birth control for over a year before having my daughter. I'm talking ovulation calendars, counting and trying to plan perfectly. It wasn't until I stopped "trying" that I became pregnant right away! It's crazy how the mind and body work. With my son, I wasn't even thinking about becoming pregnant (due to having a toddler) and it happened. I'm sure your time will come soon. I know it's hard, hang in there friend xoxo

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  5. Thank you for sharing your heart. I think we all have our little things that we stress out about and feel forsaken in (amen to Rahael there). Lifting you in prayer tonight!

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  6. He does everything for a reason! He has the most perfect timing for everything! It will happen! Saying a prayer for you!
    xo
    Elda

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  7. He does has his reasons, but don't be discouraged. Keep trying to even see someone to get checked out. Be encouraged, not discouraged.

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  8. Maegen,
    It is difficult to see you having to go through this. You and Jon are going to make wonderful parents when the time comes. It is so difficult to watch a friend with such a loving and giving heart have to go through this. I know this is discouraging, but you are such a strong woman with an even stronger Faith. You and your hubs are in my prayers!

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  9. Shame my friend!! My closest friend is going through the same struggle! It is hard. I see it daily for her. But like you she is trusting in God! I will continue to pray for you both for fertility and for peace in understanding! God knows she desires of your heart because He placed them there! Hold fast!

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  10. :( It's tough that you guys have to go through this--and I'm sure it's even harder when people ask about babies. But don't lose hope. I feel like more people struggle with this than ever let on.

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  11. Girl, I am sending you prayers. I know there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, I am praying for you and Jon. Although we are no longer trying, we did go through a year of not preventing with no luck, I know exactly what you're feeling and it's normal. Keep your head up and keep that faith. Sending you big hugs today love!

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  12. He does have perfect timing, and I know Baby Mills will come along when the time is right ;-)

    I worry about this too, after all those years of trying so hard not to have one what's going to happen when we're actually trying to have one? Try not to be discouraged, and know that it will happen when everything falls into place *hugs*.

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  13. Everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it's supposed to happen. At least I like to believe that. It is so frustrating to see teenage girls getting knocked up left and right, especially when most of them probably shouldn't even be allowed to have kids but when the time is right it will happen for you! And you're going to be an amazing mom when it does happen! Don't get discouraged! Sending a prayer your way!

    <3, Pamela
    sequinsandseabreezes.blogspot.com

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  14. When the time comes & when we are both ready (well, let's be honest here, when I'm ready), I have this fear!

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  15. Thank you for sharing, I think most of us are too afraid to admit how much we want to be moms and that we share in this struggle/fear. Sending you positive thoughts that it will all work out :)

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  16. You're right, Maeg. It's so difficult to know it's all in His timing, but still want it (anything) in our timing. My sister, Jess, has written about this for years because they've been trying for about 7 years now. It's so hard to wish it for them but know you're helpless, sometimes even in consoling her. I encourage you to check out her blog- The Lovely Huckleberry [dot] com- she's handled this season with more grace than I could ever imagine for myself. Praying for you!!

    Heather | Port City Prescription

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  17. Your attitude and outlook is so inspiring! It is all His timing, and you will have a beautiful, perfect bundle of joy when the time is right. I can, however, imagine the emotions you are going through because I want more than anything to be a mom. My greatest fear is that not happening.

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  18. thank you so much for sharing. i cant even imagine the strength it took you to post this - and i hope everything happens for you, and i wish i could say something that would actually help. everyone knows someone who this has happened to but i will share nonetheless. 2 friends. 1 has a 10 year old, pregnant at 17. she wanted another one with her now husband and they tried for 3 years before getting pregnant with their little man. she was so distraught and confused, how could she be struggling when she already had a son? but it all works out. my 2nd friend had cancer when she was a kid, many operations and things that i have no clue, and she was told she would never have babies. she has a 1 year old little girl now. I know other peoples successes aren't what you want to hear, and I have no success of my own, as we haven't started to try - but I hope from the bottom of my heart you have a success story soon. Thoughts and hugs your way xoxo

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  19. I can so relate to you dear friend. We live in a world of instant gratification and also in a world where everyone else's baby joy is literally in our faces (social media) every minute. I sometimes feel like the world is mocking me. Sending you hugs! Remember, you are not alone in your thoughts and should NEVER feel ashamed.

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  20. It will happen - don't you worry. All in good timing :-)

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  21. Maegan, I am so sorry you have to go through this! This is one of my biggest fears as well. It's so hard to wait on God's timing but everything is for a reason and I know he will bless you guys when the time is right! Easier said than done, I know! Praying for you guys! :)

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  22. Oh honey you're really brave to put this out there and I'm so positive that your dream of having a little baby will come true! While you may not realize why this has been happening, it's all in God's plan and your dream will become a reality!! Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!!

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  23. Maegan, I am so proud of you for the strength and honesty it took to write this post. Know you aren't alone but that probably nothing anyone says will make some of the inner struggle go away. You will be awesome parents when that time comes. Praying and thinking of you guys!

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  24. oh gosh, this post has a powerful message. i admire your courage in sharing this publicly on the blog, i may not be at a point in my life where i would actually feel what you're feeling but i know what it feels to be so devastated and almost hopeless. but look at you, all hopeful and reliant on the superpower that your heart holds true. this is such an inspiring post. i pray for the best for you!

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  25. Thank you for sharing this! My hubby and I are right there with you! We haven't be trying for as long as you, only about 6 months, but I would've never guessed the disappointment I feel every time I see another negative pregnancy test. And it is SO hard when all of these people around you are getting pregnant so easily. It doesn't make sense at all! If you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to reach out! I know we don't know each other personally, but I think that's the beauty of blogging. :-)

    www.simplysophisticatedblog.com

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  26. We are not at the point to start trying yet, but this is certainly a fear all women must have. You're so brave to put this out there. IT's definitely all about His timing, which makes it that much harder. You'll be a wonderful mama when the time comes. And hopefully that time is very soon :)

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  27. Praying for you. This is why I read your blog and consider you a blogger friend, you keep it real. LOVE!

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  28. Sending up lots of prayers! I have several close friends who have gone through this and are going through this! You are not alone.... God is good!

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  29. Praying for you! "The Lord is my Strength and my Song." I know it will all be in the perfect timing! Much love to you! xo

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  30. Going through this is one of my greatest fears. No need to feel vulnerable. Every girl who wants to be a mother one day understands. I hope you find a lot of comfort in all the comments :) XO

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  31. Praying for your comfort, understanding and peace, my dear!

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  32. I can't believe people still make such a big deal of asking women when they are going to become pregnant, knowing that so many women go through these kind of situations. My heart aches for you and I'm praying you have true peace about this someday. I know it is easier said than done, but I have recently gone through a situation where I stressed and stressed and YEARNED for a situation to change then finally one day had complete peace and gave it up to the Lord and His timing. Now the situation is resolved and I have never seen The Lord work so blatantly in my life. I really am only saying this to encourage you, not to brag or say that you should give it up and change your heart now. Just that I know this peace will come to you at some point, so hang in there sister. <3

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  33. I think we all struggle with this. Familial pressure is a real thing. Given my background, I never thought I'd have it, but my grandma keeps asking me when R and I are going to get married. No babies for a while, although I have a cousin with two, so I think she's starting to itch for them... Don't feel ashamed. When the time is right, you and Jon will have a beautiful baby. With so much on your plate, it's probably better that it doesn't happen right now anyway! You have so much success in your life and, when the time is right, I know you'll be an absolutely amazing mother!

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  34. Such a poignant post. Hang in there. You have a lot of people who care abt you. :)

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  35. Thank you for sharing such an honest post! My husband and I also weren't trying but also weren't preventing for a whole year before we actually started trying... and then we got pregnant within a week. Hang in there, God's timing is perfect!

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  36. Thanks for sharing this personal struggle- I admire your openness and strength. I always thought it funny that people call it "family planning" because for me it was always exact opposite of my plans. We basically got pregnant right away (so not in the plans) and then we decided we wanted a second we stopped preventing and months went by, and years went by and just as we decided to accept our family of 3 and take measures to make sure of that (the constant wondering and disappointment was getting too much) I got pregnant, 5 years later. Its all in His timing and when you know it is a complete gift from God in every way it makes it all the sweeter!

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  37. I'm 28 and still not ready at all.. (maybe when I'm 30), but I still have this fear.

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  38. when i first got married every body in my husband life love me but after five years they turn against me because i was unable to bear children and one faithful day i discover a testimony through the internet and now i am happy because the email address i found the man who owns it help me for good and now am eight months pregnant and i know i am going going to give birth because he told me that antelope give birth without losing a child on facebook (Oduduwa Ajakaye) God did so that He will be glorified.

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  39. I love you. Your heart and vulnerability is beautiful & there is nothing wrong with admitting out loud exactly how you feel. God longs for your honesty & to comfort you & love on you in ways only He can. When the time comes, you will be an incredible mother. And I have no doubt that until that time comes, God is going to use you to minister to others as only you can as you share your heart & your feelings with others. I'm excited and thankful I get to watch God do incredible things in & through you!!

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  40. Oh, Maegan. You are so brave for sharing this. It is so difficult to trust in Gods timing when there is something we want so badly. This is one of my greatest fears and I can't even begin to imagine how y'all have felt the past year. You and Jon are in my prayers! Stay faithful in The Lord, lovely!

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  41. I know exactly how you feel... I have been married 19 years this year & we never had children of our own... it has been a sort of emotional roller coaster... but God has taught me many things through it & had led me to work in youth ministry where I do have a butt-load of kids ;) Be patients, hang onto faith, Trust God...that's my best advice.

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  42. Sorry I missed this post and sorry to hear about the frustration it is causing you! Everything takes time and I am indeed sending prayers your way as I type! Keep us posted sweet girl! xoxo

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  43. There's absolutely no reason to be ashamed of how you feel! While I can't say I'm in the same situation I've secretly worried about this same exact thing for years. It's only natural but stay positive! All in due time :)

    Stephanie
    http://www.vainandsimple.com/

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  44. it makes me angry when people ask "when are you having kids?" and it makes me angry when other people ask that too! its none of their business! and if someone is in your situation and people ask you, its hurtful! they don't know what you are going through. sending prayers your way.

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  45. This post made me totally emotional! My husband and I recently started TTC (on month 3) and I've been struggling with anxiety about whether or not we will get pregnant quick or if it's going to take a while. The unknown is always scary and it's hard when being is mom is literally what you want most in life. But after reading your post, I reevaluated the situation and YES, God does hold the future and YES he has a plan. It's hard to cope with the whole "in his timing" thing because obviously we have no idea what his timing looks like. Thank you for this, though. It really gave me some peace about the coming months and our TTC journey. Congrats on your upcoming bundle of joy! How exciting! <3

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  46. Oh how I can relate to this post now and the disappointment you have felt.. God is still good and His timing is perfect. Thanks for sharing the link back to this post today :) I needed it

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