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Reasons To NEVER See An Earlybird Movie

8.29.2014
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Last week Jon and I had an early date night right after work. We closed up about 20 minutes early and rushed to the movie theater to see The Hundred-Foot Journey, which might I say was fabulous! The reason we went early is because our movie theater has a deal on Tuesdays. Movies before 5:30 are $5 a ticket making the normal $8.50 ticket look awful. And they also offer drinks and popcorn for $2. We all know what prices look like at the movie theater so we couldn't help ourselves on scoring a great deal.

What we didn't think about was who would be at the theater at this time of day. It looked like my great grandmothers reunion! Jon and I were seriously the only people there without gray hair. Old people are smart y'all, they like a good deal. And a 5:00 movie was probably just after their dinner time so shoot, why wouldn't they jump on it?

I really found it comical. Sitting in the theater watching as gray head after gray head piled in the seats around us. I found it even more comical that they all piled in the seats behind us in the back of the theater. They were getting as far from the screen as possible. I'm assuming it has to do with those biofocals.

Well all of this was comical until the movie started and then my nightmare begin.

Throughout the entire duration of the movie we had commentators. And to give you an idea of how loud they were picture an old man sitting in the living room and his wife shouting to him from the kitchen over the sound of the tv. Obviously hearing aid talk.

Husband: "What did he say?"
Wife: "HE SAID THEY ARE MOVING TO ENGLAND"
Husband: "OH - I can't hear a damn thing."

Man in the back: "COUGH, SNIFF, THROAT CLEAR, HACKING NOISES"

Lady beside us: "HOOOOOONK.......HOOOOOONK" (blowing her nose repeatedly)

Wife: "Oh I just know he loves that girl!"
Husband: "HUH? He has to cook squirrel?"
Wife: "NO! HE LOVES THAT GIRL!"
Husband: "Oh, oh yeah. Yeah he does."

Man in the back: (more hacking noises, perhaps a loogie in his throat)

Wife: "I just love Helen Mirran, don't you dear?"
Husband: "Who is Helen Muuuuran?"
Wife: "MIRRAN dear, MIRRAN! She is the one playing Madam Mallory!"
Husband: "Oh, which ones Madam Mallory?"
Wife: "Good grief! HER!" (Pointing over our heads at the screen)
Husband: (Grunting noise)

Wife: "I bet I know what happens next! He is going to kiss her. I just know it!"
PAUSE (guy kisses girl)
Wife: "I KNEW it!"

Really lady? Sure go ahead and feel proud of yourself for assuming this movie was going to end the same as every other movie ever created does. Nothing has changed in 60 years.

I really can't make this stuff up.

I could not get over the excessive talking and commentary throughout the entire movie. I kept making eyeballs at Jon. All I really wanted to do was stand up and say, "WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE!" But of course I would never! Only in my tough girl dreams :)

Moral of the story? We pay $8.50 per ticket for a reason. To turn the commentary off and enjoy our movie.
16 comments on "Reasons To NEVER See An Earlybird Movie"
  1. hahaha this just cracked me up!!! bless it!!!!

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  2. LOL omg how funny?! This is totally something that would happen to Todd and I...or rather, we will be one of those old couples some day! haha

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  3. Haha hilarious!!! I'm surprised I've never happened upon this when I've gone to a matinee :-P

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  4. Hahaha this play by play has me laughing so hard! Yeah, I went to a mid-day show once during the week and swore I wouldn't ever go again. Saturday's aren't so bad, but seriously, if you do during the week it's like the old folks home just drops off a bus load.

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  5. That was probably me & my husband you overheard... sorry ;)

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  6. I always feel like the entire theater smells of Bengay during a matinee, too. Just me?

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  7. Hmmm...you might have better luck at a matinee if you go to a "young" person movie during the day. I worked at a movie theater for 10 years and a lot of senior citizens with hearing problems don't realize that most theaters have listening devices like headsets or Captiviews.

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  8. Oh my gosh, hilarious!! I can only imagine, you just described watching anything at all with my step dad! Weekend day time movies are our choice. Less expensive and not as many teens, which annoy us something fierce...

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  9. This is hilarious, but oh so frustrating! I don't really like going to the movie theater at all because somehow we always end up sitting by someone talking loudly, sneezing/coughing, or doing something else distracting! Side note, I really want to see that movie!

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  10. heeheehee--I know my grandparents go to a matinee movie every week, but I also know my grandma sleeps through the whole movie, so at least there's no chattering.

    For that matter, we only ever went to matinees (at our closest theater, a night show was $11--I'm not paying that!) but we must have lived somewhere without a lot of people because it was very normal to have the entire theater to ourselves for our matinee shows.

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  11. That hilarious, but I'm sorry it happened to yall. We went to see Ninja Turtles at 1145 on a Saturday and had a great experience.

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  12. Hahhaahhaah oh my gosh that is so funny I am laughing so hard right now I read this to my husband and we were both laughing so hard. Thanks for making me laugh.

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  13. oh my gosh!! so. flipping. funny.

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  14. hahaha yes!! This happened to R and I when we went to a 11am movie on Valentine's day! A row of old ladies right in front of us got super chatty when the one old man walked in and said "Hi Ladiessss ;)" Never again have we gone to an early movie.

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  15. So funny! (But not when it's actually happening!) We like to go to 11am or noon movies on Saturdays - tickets are $5, and the theater is usually empty!

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