To be continued... Read Part One here.
I guess I thought it was something that would happen overnight? As in the first time we tried days later I would feel sick, be hovered over the toilet with morning sickness and ta-da, we're preggo! Jon and I would soon discover that was the farthest from our reality.
Like I mentioned in Part One, I felt I deserved to be a mother. And God was going to spend the next year teaching me otherwise.
I would start each month with fresh mindset telling myself I wouldn't get disappointed, but I would instead trust in God and His plan. But each month that my period came I relapsed into a dark world of anger and frustration. I would feel inadequate about myself as a woman and think there was something wrong with me. We were doing everything right according to the books and boy did I do my research. Not being in control of my own destiny was making me insane. I was angry with The Lord for not giving me my heart's deepest desire. I knew I was going to make the greatest mom. No baby would ever be loved more than my child. I was going to teach my child to love Christ and treat others with respect and kindness. So why was God with holding His greatest gift from me?
It was on a drive home one evening in April (officially a year of trying), Jon was driving and I was sitting silently looking out the passenger window and tears started to stream down my face. I was doing my best to cry silently, but Jon could see the tension in my body. He reached over and asked what was wrong and I blew up. "WHY Jon? Why isn't God giving us what we want? Why is God making us suffer? What did we do wrong? Why can't I have what I want? Why can't we have a baby?"
Ugly isn't it? The words I had been feeling and longing to say came out of my mouth like vomit. There was no hiding my feelings any longer. And I'm so glad they did finally come out on that car ride home, even if it was explosive, because hearing myself say them gave me a whole new perspective. All of a sudden I was convicted. Ashamed. Defeated. Officially at rock bottom.
I couldn't believe all of those selfish words came out of my mouth. I knew better. This couldn't be where my relationship with The Lord was? Unfortunately, it was. I was at my lowest.
As soon as I got home I prayed and asked God for forgiveness. I asked him to heal my bitter and broken heart. To give me peace in my life. To give me strength to get through each day from that point on. To build my trust in Him, trusting that His plan was far better than any plan of mine. But most importantly I prayed that His will be done and my selfless desires would be diminished.
From that point on I really did have a certain peace about the whole situation. I trusted God. It took hitting rock bottom and being extremely angry with him to finally realize I couldn't get through this without him. I won't say that I still didn't struggle to fight my own selfish desires in the months to follow, but I no longer had a grudge against God and felt I deserved to be a mom.
Jon and I continued to try the following months and in July on a cruise ship to Alaska I started to feel nauseated and tired, which we accumulated to be because of the traveling and being on the seas. Only days later on July 15th would we return home to realize I was 12 days late. Three pregnancy tests later and one doctors visit and we were officially pregnant!!!
Tears were shed, emotions ran high and my head has been in the clouds ever since! I can truly say I've not taken a moment of this pregnancy for granted because God has finally completed my heart. I honestly don't know if I would have cherished this pregnancy so much if I hadn't gone through such a tormenting struggle and I thank God for that every day. Tears fill my eyes as I type this because my heart is so full with joy it's too much to handle.
My biggest piece of advice for anyone who is considering having kids in their future, start praying now even if you aren't ready to start trying. Pray that God will give you the strength you need to go through the "trying" time. If it happens right away - wonderful, if it doesn't happen right away, you have already started to build your strength against disappointment. Whether it happens overnight, takes years, or means adoption. God has a beautiful plan for each and every one of us. Find comfort in that :)
Thank you all for letting me share my heart and encouraging me along the way. You are so special to me! XOXOXO